Family mediation: Myth & reality

You do not have to be communicating well beforehand in order to mediate successfully. Mediators are trained to manage conflict, facilitate difficult conversations, and help people find productive ways forward, even where they find communication very difficult. Many couples in high conflict situations still reach agreements through mediation because it brings in an agreed structure and a neutral third party whose role is to ensure that they each feel listened to.

Mediation is sometimes assumed to be a process where a neutral professional decides what is fair and reasonable and decides on an outcome, like a judge or an arbitrator. However, that is not the case. The mediator is there to facilitate and guide discussions and negotiations, but the power to agree on a settlement lies entirely with the couple themselves. Keeping control is one of the main benefits of mediation.

Some people believe that the mediation process will result in pressure being put on them to make concessions on all the issues, even where they feel very strongly that their position is the right one. In fact, whilst couples are encouraged to negotiate, nobody has to agree to anything that they find unreasonable. Mediation often results in more personalised and flexible settlements than court proceedings, precisely because both parties work together to shape the outcome, based on their own priorities.  

Family mediation is not only for divorcing couples trying to sort out their finances. It can also help with:

• Disagreements around child arrangements, not only at separation but years afterwards
• Co-parenting issues and specific differences of opinion relating to children, such as holiday and travel arrangements, medical treatment and school choices
• Financial disputes between separating couples who are unmarried 

If you are not comfortable physically being in the same room, or would simply find it easier not to be, then you do not have to. Instead, you can use shuttle mediation, where the mediator moves between separate rooms and speaks to each of you individually, or online mediation using video calls. This can help to make mediation a realistic option even if high conflict situations. 

The length of the mediation process varies a lot from couple to couple. However, one thing is clear; it is usually much faster than going through court proceedings. It can be arranged around the parties’ schedules, and typically requires four or five joint sessions for them to either reach a settlement or conclude that they need to try something different to resolve their remaining points of disagreement. 

The cost of mediation will depend on how many sessions are required and what the particular mediator charges. However, mediation will nearly always be significantly more cost effective than court proceedings, and often helps to preserve financial resources that would be severely depleted by court proceedings. 

Family mediation is sometimes mistaken for relationship counselling. Mediation and counselling can appear quite similar, in that they both involve a neutral third party facilitating discussions, sometimes using similar techniques. However, the purpose of mediation is completely different to counselling. Mediation is there to help resolve practical, legal and financial disputes so that both parties can move on with their lives; it is not there to help or encourage them to reconcile. 

It is true that discussions in mediation are confidential and conducted without prejudice. However, the intention is that any agreement reached will then be made legally binding and enforceable by being converted into a court order to be sent to court and approved by a judge. 

You do not have to reach a full, comprehensive settlement for mediation to be beneficial and worthwhile. Even if you only resolve some of the disagreements between you, this can narrow your disputes, reduce your legal costs and stand you in good stead to sort out the remaining issues constructively and relatively quickly.