Child arrangements at Christmas - Where does santa visit?

One of the most common disputes between separated parents is what to do about Christmas. In this article we explore the most common ways we find families divide the special time of year and how you can make it work for your children to ensure minimum disruption and maximum festive cheer.

When separating, we find that parents come to Freeths with very similar questions. There is no “set menu” for child arrangements and every family is different – but most often we get asked:

• Should my child live with me?
• How do I get sole custody*?
• Am I entitled to shared care?
• What do we do about Christmas?

*In England and Wales, we say, “live with” and “spend time with” rather than “custody” but the concept is the same.

This article focusses on what to do about Christmas – and how to resolve the argument if you cannot agree.

Option one – divide the day

We see a range of proposals in our role advising parents at Freeths. Option one may work for those who a) live geographically close to one another and b) do not have a full schedule of commitments with the wider family on Christmas.

For example, a family may take the period of Christmas Eve to Boxing Day and share it as follows:

• Christmas morning

This way the children get the excitement of Christmas Eve with one parent, leaving a mince pie and milk out, snow on the stairs and coming into the living room in the morning to “see if he’s been”. The children benefit from Christmas morning with one side of the family and have the time to visit local relatives.

• Midday handover

Somewhere in the middle of the day, perhaps early afternoon, your children could go from one parent to the other – much easier the closer parents live to one another of course. Consider showing good faith to one another and reinforce to your children that their parents can be friends with a small, symbolic exchange at handover.

• Christmas afternoon

Christmas afternoon can then be spent at home with the parent whom the children did not wake with that morning, and their family on that side. Watching the King’s speech, eating Christmas dinner and too many chocolates from the selection box and falling asleep on the sofa in front of a Christmas movie (perhaps not Die Hard for the younger kids).

As for presents, it’s open to that parent if they want to exchange gifts in the evening, the next morning or any other time of their choosing.

Pros

• Children get time with both sides of the family on this special day
• Agreeing to alternate each year results in fairness
• Gift exchange at handover reinforces a positive co-parenting relationship and secure attachments for the children

Cons

• Travel on Christmas Day relies on cars, with there being no public transport
• Taking time out of the day to handover eats into the festivities
• Two sets of events in one day may overstimulate a sensitive child or those with additional needs – try to stick closely to agreed times to avoid disruption

Option two – two Christmases

Especially useful when parents live further apart, and often the counter to dividing the day is for parents to agree for there to be two Christmases, one on 25th December and the other on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

• Christmas with one parent

As with the traditional Christmas morning, children wake up to peek into the living room and find out if they’ve been left any gifts (as the Freeths family solicitor team finds, often before the alarm has buzzed) and have a full day of festivities with family and friends – falling asleep in the same house, excited for Christmas #2 on Boxing Day with the other half of their family.

• Christmas Eve/Boxing Day with the other parent

Most often separated families will wait until Boxing Day for their second day of celebration, but some families prefer to celebrate Christmas Eve – particularly if there is a religious or cultural event to mark that day.

As with the 25th, Children can spend the morning opening presents with their family (either waking up at that house on Christmas Eve or being taken for an early handover on Boxing Day morning) and having the full day with that parent.

Again, arrangements will often alternate so one parent does not monopolise Christmas day every year. An alternating of arrangements can ensure children are able to experience this special time of year with both sides of the family as they grow, but inevitably there is no one size fits all approach.

Pros

• Children get to spend a day free of interruptions with each side of the family
• Celebrations are extended across two days, enhancing the festive cheer
• Easier for schedules

Cons

• Lack of opportunity to show co-parenting at handover
• Wider family may miss out or have to delay their own celebrations
• Parents may find themselves at work on one of the days and unable to enjoy the day

Option three – The “full Christmas” rotation

Instead of dividing the day or duplicating it, each parent gets the entire Christmas period on alternating years. For example:

• Children spend Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day with one parent on even numbered years (2026, 2028, 2030 etc)
• Children spend Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day with the other parent on odd numbered years (2025, 2027, 2029 etc)

For parents this can be the most difficult to stomach – having to spend the full festive period without your children can be tough. However, for some children in some instances this may be the best approach (for example if parents live a long way from one another). This structure may give each family the full period to relax and spend quality time together. Further, as technology now allows, children can be given the opportunity to video call the parent whom they are not spending Christmas with that year.

Often parents will then agree that the “non-Christmas parent” gets to spend another special occasion such as New Years Eve with their children to make up for a lack of contact in Christmas that given year.

Pros

• Creates one calm, continuous Christmas for the child each year
• Allows each parent to plan “bigger” and take trips to distant relatives
• Avoids the stress or interruption of a handover during this special time of year

Cons

• The non-Christmas parent that year will no doubt miss their children and vice versa
• Relies on co-operation and trust between parents that the rotation will take place
• In later years, children may resist as they make their own plans with friends and develop independence

Top tips for parents

1. Hold discussions as early as possible

2. Try not to talk about “my Christmas” and “your Christmas” – focus on the children

3. Take advice. Early advice can inform your discussions and avoid later arguments

4. Be flexible and open-minded. Minor changes due to illness and weather are likely in the winter months

5. Prioritise your children’s wishes. Ask older children what matters most to them about the holidays

6. Take care of yourself. The festive season can be emotionally challenging for parents too

7. Document your agreement. If you reach a new arrangement, put it in writing so everyone is clear, and misunderstandings are avoided

We hope these tips help you negotiate Christmas with your ex-partner and that you’re able to navigate the holidays with minimal disruption.

Ultimately, there is no single “right” way to structure Christmas. The best arrangement is the one your children can predict, feel safe within, and enjoy. If you cannot agree, the family team at Freeths can help you negotiate a child-focussed solution or, if needed, support you through mediation or the court process.